It’s not you; it’s him.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I always have been one. I thought of having a perfect love story like they show it in Bollywood movies even though I hate Bollywood movies but who can’t resist those romantic catchy dialogue which SRK says which woos the girl? I thought I had one. But I did not. Only lucky girls get that. I’m not lucky. Many of us aren’t. Some do get after being hurt so much and finally your faith has spoken.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I want to tell someone whom my ex is currently in a relationship that no matter how hard you try, it’s not going to work out. I’m sorry but it’s the way it is. I’ve been through it and you’re going through it too.

I’ve always thought of telling you this, but I wanted you to learn it on your own because I was never given a warning letter so I thought why I should? But I had a soft corner, I so wanted to tell you this. I so wanted to help you. I asked so many people this question. They said no. the situation may be like as if I wanted to mess your relationship because it never worked out between me and him. So I thought it would be better if you figured it out yourself. You can think of me as a bitch or whatever, but I’m not.

I’m a girl, I know how things go between two girls when they like the same guy. But now, I want you to learn things.
He isn’t going to call you! You will have to. He isn’t going to wait for you, you’re going to wait for him. That’s what I did. I wondered if I was the only one in relationship. He never cared if I waited for him. He promised me he would call. I kept waiting for his call. I called him after I lost my patience. He gave me the excuse of him forgetting or caught up with work. Yeah right, as if I didn’t have work of my own right? But I still called; kept forgiving him. I kept waiting for him when he was always late. I don’t like waiting for people. But I still waited. I was stubborn, but I kept it aside just for him. Why? Just because I loved him and never wanted to lose him. I never did.
You know which relationship lasts longer? When efforts are from both ends.

The one who gives a 100% think that they aren’t even giving 10%. But it’s not like what you think. You had given your best; it’s just that they never appreciated your efforts that made you feel like you had never even tried. Never even have that thought. I had given my 100% even after we were not together.
I was so broken, so hurt, so weak during the 4 months with him. I thought I was strong and independent girl. People loved me because I was crazy and different. But now what?
When we were mere friends and I acted crazy, he would be cool with it, but after getting to be together, he couldn’t tolerate it.
He told me to stop. Stop what? Being myself? That’s what people loved about me, and he did too. That’s what he said in the beginning. So did he really wanted me or did he want someone who would listen to him?

After the break up, I still wanted him. I tried changing myself by telling that I wanted to it for me, for my own good. But it wasn’t, it was for him! He didn’t stop pointing out my flaws. I thought I wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t take it. I kept hurting myself. I have a scar. I still look at it now. It reminds me not to change. It reminds me to love myself. It’s the most valuable thing to love yourself.

I feel stupid for being with him. I had to change myself because he didn’t like most of the things I do. Not some, ‘most’. Aren’t those the things which made him like you? Then why did he tell me to change/.I was foolish enough to change for him. While in the process of changing myself,  I didn’t feel happy. Not even a bit. I tried telling myself I was, but it was just a lie. I questioned myself why I am doing this, for whom? I didn’t say it’s for me. My hearts said it’s for me, it’s for him so he likes me. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t care if I was happy or not, because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. Why do we do this? I would suggest if you aren’t happy changing yourself, then never do it. I have changed after the break up. I’m happy with this change. It made me mature and look into life differently. I can’t express how happy I am. I thank my ex to make me who I am right now. I think everyone should have at least one bad relationship so that they understand what love is actually.

I have so much to say but I wouldn’t want to bore anyone. I know I’m right now. I just want to tell you, don’t hurt yourself. If you’re unhappy, then just leave. I know you don’t want to talk to me so I’m writing this. It would help someone else if not you.

So girl, or anyone else who is reading this, don’t be madly in love that you hurt yourself. I have done this a million times where I was hurt. But this relationship had made me a different person who is never going to be hurt again and will never let anyone hurt me. I’m glad it happened.

The Birth Giver

Four Months have completed living in a place where you’ll find feces everywhere you walk . Now all is there are my exams. I’m worried sick about them. Usually I am not so concerned about exams, but all of a sudden I’m nagging about them after doing so well in my assessments.  Let’s get to the topic.

Isn’t the word ‘Mother’ the prettiest word in the English Dictionary? Pretty much yes. Mother, a woman who has spent her labor into bringing you as a humble human. She has always been there for us, even when our Father tells us “No! You can’t go for shopping because you have wasted too much this month.” But your Mom will always be there to tell ‘yes’. She’s always there as a companion, a one good listener and also the best problem solver.

I and my Mom were like best friends when I was a kid. Then she got a job as a teacher, she went for work so we barely didn’t get any time on growing our relation after that. So after so many prolonged years, my Mom left her job as we moved backed here. Ugh, why do I remind myself of that. So we have enough time to share nowadays. Basically, it’s me the one who keeps yanking in ears all the time because I have behavior of talking of all what happened in school, how my tests went and all and all… Blah.. blah blah… now I’m not going so deep.

We laugh our asses off, she tells me how she misses U.A.E. and I tell what all we teens do in this current generation. I actually missed those time. We shared so much in these past months and now I ask, “Where were these days, where did they all go?” I don’t want my mom to work again if in the future she decides to. But I can’t build a wall between that, after all it isn’t my decision for the betterment of her life? Am I? But I do want her to work as I don’t like woman lying home idly like as though they have no meaning to their life. By this sentence I’m more probably telling that Housewives don’t have meaning, they do have meaning, but only doing work at home isn’t so worth it, you want to feel the harsh outside world.

But I don’t want to lose that connection that we are regaining after so many years which I had with her. That kind of love which I always visualized in my head finally came true. If there is only a way I could spend time with her as well she can work.
Obviously you would suggest that tell her to take off some time from her busy schedule, but it’s really hard as nowadays everything is so complicated.

I asked my Mom in between one of our talks that why didn’t we converse like this in the past? She tells me, “You have been hiding in your room for couple of months, when I want to talk, you just ignore me and leave. Now that we are on the same room, you ca’n’t ignore nor hid anywhere.” After these lines, I realized, I was the main culprits who formed all those complications between me and my Mom. How foolish of me not to understand this at all?

Well now, I have understood how badly I’ve treated my Mom and I always thought that she never appreciates my words. But what can an Indian teenager do when you know that your the topics which comes out from your parents mouth are ‘studies’, Lecture on how you should not be anywhere near your opposite sex or you can say in my case ‘guys’ because they might have bad intentions. But all male are not the exact copy of other. Who will make my Mom understand that part?

Oh, and the picture above, I always wished if my Mom would kiss me on my cheeks or forehead, but the the thing is that she hates KISSING! Come on, it must be the cutest thing which people do. It shows compassion for love. I still wish for once she just kisses me on my cheeks…. and one more thing which she never has taken out of her mouth, “Yes! She’s my Daughter” proudly…. like she does it with my sister when my she has done something to make her feel prestigious.