Empowerment, Love and others, Powerful, Self worth

YOU.

You lied, I believed.
You lied about everything, when I only gave you truth.
But I locked my lips, for your sake.
You, the person whose words I believed so blindly, as everything felt real.
You, said you loved me when you were drunk. A drunkard can lie too?
Well, now I know.
Little did I know, I’d fall in love with a liar.

You, made me realize, my life is worth much more than you.
You, the person who made me feel less concerned about my past, but later made me realize that people who accept my past only use it against me.
Now I know, you aren’t worth my time.
My time is now all mine and not yours. I deserve much more. Not you.
You, yes you, deserve a place in hell.
But I won’t pray for a place in hell for you,
Then what would be the difference between me and you?
You, lied to so many innocents just like me and ruined them. Should have believed them. Should I have not? You tell me!
For someone whom I trusted with all my mind, body and soul.
You played with my mind, lingered around my body, dug into my soul only where I got lost.

You, swore on the person who kept you in her for months, who took the pain to give you life; you used her as a weapon to lie to the rest of the world. Is it so little that you love her?
You, do you even realize how selfish you are? Never met a coward like you. One who destroys fairy tales for his own thirst.

The only mistake I did was to give love another chance with a person like you.

You, deserve the best in life. I hope you remember me; hate me for the things I never did.

I should be thanking you as is it you who taught me that self worth is more important than someone who was with me for just a couple of days.
You are just another lesson that I am going to remember whenever I walk.
Learnt to appreciate the good and the worst.
Thank YOU.

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family, Love and others, Uncategorized, Whereabouts

Chapter 1: How it began

My sister had been pampering me since I was an infant. That’s what everyone who knew us as children told me. Having vague memories of childhood is a disadvantage, but you do remember some moments which has put deep impression in your heart. My sister, being so fond of me always wanted me to come to Delhi and since we are having an age difference of almost 9 years, I think we never really knew each other that well. I was in class 4 when she left for her higher studies to Delhi and she seldom travelled back to Sharjah. But when she did, she would get me presents and I would love them. Her presents are the best. They never go waste, at least for me. I clearly remember when my sister was in class 11, it was my birthday and that morning while getting ready for school, she handed me over something wrapped in red. I was elated while unwrapping and saw a doll which was very pretty and that too with a keychain for which I had an instant liking towards them! I still have the doll in front of my bed. Waking up to that does make me feel like I’m blessed to have an elder sibling like her.

When I first joined the school in which she went to, it had different branches for primary and elementary sections. She being so protective about me, she made sure I was safely in the right class by telling one of her juniors to take me and put me in a secure seat that I don’t end up crying for a change in environment. I somehow remember it clearly and it doesn’t feel like it happened years ago.

She has been very over protective about me and for this reason have turned out to be a big baby.

My sister had been asking me or rather begging my parents to let me come to Delhi and it took her years to convince them! I thought of it as an opportunity to get to know her a little bit more. This age difference really made us feel extremely distant. I was in my final year of elementary school and she was in college. We got connected once I started having my own Facebook account, though I didn’t really try to text as I thought it’s weird to text an adult, moreover I am shy around people in the beginning. As soon as I got my own WhatsApp handle, we started texting each other more frequently than before. I’m such a talkative brat that she was astonished at my hyperactive texting and telling of incidents and said, “Oh my god! I didn’t know you talk so much!”

My mom, knowing something fishy is definitely cooking between us sisters, had been rejecting her proposal for flying me to Delhi. At last, my mom got fed up and let me travel alone on a plane. We didn’t waste a time onto booking the tickets as we knew she would change her decision later.

Exactly a month left to go. Can’t stop counting down days to fly to Delhi.

As the days passed my excitement got uncontrollable and so does my sister’s demands of bringing her things. It altered my mood of going for holiday.

Finally, the day arrived, just a day more. All packing done. Booked a cab and left. On my way to the airport I had realised that I had forgotten to pack my sunglasses and umbrella. Too bad that I won’t be protected for the summer of Delhi.

As soon as we reached the airport, my tummy felt a bit funny. As I moved my foot closer to the entry gate of airport, it got worse. I stood there for a while thinking what’s wrong.

I bid goodbye to my parents till I meet them the next time and waited till I was let to pass through the gates. Finally, my turn came and my heart started beating fast. As I entered, a feeling of nervousness started gushing in. I don’t know what happened and then phone calls kept coming in from my parents. I hadn’t even reached the baggage security and 5 missed calls had already arrived on my phone. I called back thinking I left something back and then there was my mom asking me stupid questions. I got annoyed and switched my phone off. Got the luggage through security scan and went off to the check-in counter. I called my sister informing about the luggage.

As I went closer to the boarding area, I felt too nostalgic. The last time I had boarded the plane was when I came back to India forever which is 5 years ago!

My tummy was rumbling for food so I grabbed a submarine sandwich to pass the one hour which was left for boarding the plane. Anxiously sitting in the chilly waiting hall for the boarding announcement to arrive. I am not a person who can stand cold environment. I was thinking, that I should have carried a jacket. And there was a delay with the boarding. It was 20 minutes late and I was anticipating on reaching Delhi soon, as I had been excited for over a month. These people made us wait for so long. Finally, they announced for boarding and I rushed. But the nostalgic feeling didn’t seem to go.

As I boarded the plane, I found my seat. I had got the most annoying co-passengers who wouldn’t stop talking at all. I recall them while I was sitting in the waiting area right opposite to me. They just don’t stop talking. My dream of meeting my future boyfriend on plane is only going to be a dream. I had always imagined that I would be meeting him on the plane and talking for hours and falling in love but sadly my fate is only being single entirely.

Being it cold, the time was passing slowly and I could only pray for somebody to turn off the climate control. Can anybody be kind to me tonight?

Ah! At last they announced about landing. Getting out of the plane was my mission at that point of time.

Uncategorized

Unabashed. Unashamed. Uncut.

Being a girl in this world, I fear of being attacked, groped, molested, rape and what not.
I don’t want to end up getting married because I don’t want to be beaten up by my husband or his family or let him torture my family for dowry. I don’t want to be someone’s slave. I don’t want to be bound by anyone without my will , being a human with all the rights to be happy, independent and majestic. I have the power to be everything, but I’ve been stopped; stopped to do what makes me happy, just because I am a woman, whose mouth is being shut because I am born with a vagina and a pair of breasts to satisfy every men’s needs and not mine.

I want to be free wearing whatever I want to. Not be called names by someone close neither whom I don’t know. I don’t want the aunties or anyone pointing a finger on the values my parents taught me with the size and the number of revealing holes my dress has.
I don’t want them to say I am a pretentious person because I don’t prefer my mother tongue nor be an overachiever because I can outshine the boys of my colony. Having so many qualities, why shall I not embrace it because some people bark?

I’m afraid someone is going to throw acid on my face or someone from the back trying to untie the thread to my salwar or grope me and I silently let it go once, twice, thrice? Maybe everytime, taking the advantage of a girl who cannot speak up for herself.

I don’t want to see someone’s penis without my consent. It is something I don’t want so please limit your shit till the washroom.

I want to walk on roads, travel places which I have never seen before which only boys can travel because they can take care of themselves. Why? Why can I not walk on streets without having the fear of being raped, catcalled, molested? Why am I so weak? Why do I even believe what people say? That I am weak. No, I am not. I’m more than that.

It doesn’t matter who I am, which family I belong to, what I wear, what values I have. I’m a girl and it will happen. To the boys too. Who can take care of themselves! Everyone can! Gender does not matter. God may have made the man and woman different, but we’re the same. Respect both, treat them equally.

I rather sit on a couch and watch television because that is where I feel safe and secure.
Being dark skinned means no marriage proposals to you. Nothing would suit you. Your skin color brings only shame and disgrace.
Why shouldn’t I fight for my rights? Because good behaved ladies should always keep quiet.
‎I don’t have to scream or curse myself for being such a distraction on the road, provoking people to point on my ethics or say I am fake because I wear too much make up or ugly when I don’t have anything on my face? What do I get when there are such problems.
‎it would just go away if I wasn’t even alive.
Why don’t I have a voice to fight for me? It was taken away the day you were born.
‎why size 36-28-36? Why there are no more options? Why can’t I look masculine. I’m not harming anybody. I’m just harming my freedom to be me. Why can’t I like a girl when I am a girl myself? Why can’t I be a girl when I am born a boy? Why is the world so heartless when I want to keep myself happy? These questions trigger me but I still fall on the ground.
The screams, the shout which never came out when your uncle or cousin take you to the bathroom or a closed bedroom only to to make you suck their lollipop. The more you say no the more deep it goes. To shut you up they give you chocolates. The next time, you want to say no, but you’re too weak to understand or tell your mother, your father what that uncle did to you. You’re just afraid that they won’t accept you even if you’re a girl of 4.
It hurts that even though you have a voice, you can’t speak up.

Uncategorized

Reality of Love

Love hurts…
The first time
The second time, the third, the fourth, the gazillion time..
But what is love?
Is it the feeling when you see them for the first time? The second? Or the third? Or each time you encounter unexpectedly?
Do you fall in love with each meeting? Each text? Each exchange of words? Each ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I hate you’s?
The sweet voice of theirs, screaming, shouting, crying makes you fall? The pain they give, makes you weaker or tells you to love them even more harder?
Each phone calls you get and make takes you to one more step into falling more into love?
But none of that is love.
Love is understanding, empathy, till death do us apart, the always by your side, the way of caring
Love is when the tiniest moments make you happy.
Not clicking pictures but making memories to store in your head so that when you close your eyes, you can see it, feel it and smile wide.
The flaws don’t decrease your love,it just increases.
The scars,the smile, the fragrance, the first red dress you wore for your first date or that watch she gave you the first time to tell you that her time with you is very special.
But all of that is of any worth? When you don’t understand how it’s important to take care of each other.
Why waste their time when you can’t give them all.even the tiniest bit?
You’ll only realize how much they did for you and how much you need them when they leave you.
Treat them right before it’s too late.
Don’t bring those tears if you don’t really mean them.
Don’t give those silly excuses if you can’t tell the truth and face them or talk eye to eye.
Don’t make promises which you can’t keep and making them hurt.
Don’t give false hope to people who love you. It just breaks them.
Don’t. Just don’t.

Love and others

It’s not you; it’s him.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I always have been one. I thought of having a perfect love story like they show it in Bollywood movies even though I hate Bollywood movies but who can’t resist those romantic catchy dialogue which SRK says which woos the girl? I thought I had one. But I did not. Only lucky girls get that. I’m not lucky. Many of us aren’t. Some do get after being hurt so much and finally your faith has spoken.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I want to tell someone whom my ex is currently in a relationship that no matter how hard you try, it’s not going to work out. I’m sorry but it’s the way it is. I’ve been through it and you’re going through it too.

I’ve always thought of telling you this, but I wanted you to learn it on your own because I was never given a warning letter so I thought why I should? But I had a soft corner, I so wanted to tell you this. I so wanted to help you. I asked so many people this question. They said no. the situation may be like as if I wanted to mess your relationship because it never worked out between me and him. So I thought it would be better if you figured it out yourself. You can think of me as a bitch or whatever, but I’m not.

I’m a girl, I know how things go between two girls when they like the same guy. But now, I want you to learn things.
He isn’t going to call you! You will have to. He isn’t going to wait for you, you’re going to wait for him. That’s what I did. I wondered if I was the only one in relationship. He never cared if I waited for him. He promised me he would call. I kept waiting for his call. I called him after I lost my patience. He gave me the excuse of him forgetting or caught up with work. Yeah right, as if I didn’t have work of my own right? But I still called; kept forgiving him. I kept waiting for him when he was always late. I don’t like waiting for people. But I still waited. I was stubborn, but I kept it aside just for him. Why? Just because I loved him and never wanted to lose him. I never did.
You know which relationship lasts longer? When efforts are from both ends.

The one who gives a 100% think that they aren’t even giving 10%. But it’s not like what you think. You had given your best; it’s just that they never appreciated your efforts that made you feel like you had never even tried. Never even have that thought. I had given my 100% even after we were not together.
I was so broken, so hurt, so weak during the 4 months with him. I thought I was strong and independent girl. People loved me because I was crazy and different. But now what?
When we were mere friends and I acted crazy, he would be cool with it, but after getting to be together, he couldn’t tolerate it.
He told me to stop. Stop what? Being myself? That’s what people loved about me, and he did too. That’s what he said in the beginning. So did he really wanted me or did he want someone who would listen to him?

After the break up, I still wanted him. I tried changing myself by telling that I wanted to it for me, for my own good. But it wasn’t, it was for him! He didn’t stop pointing out my flaws. I thought I wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t take it. I kept hurting myself. I have a scar. I still look at it now. It reminds me not to change. It reminds me to love myself. It’s the most valuable thing to love yourself.

I feel stupid for being with him. I had to change myself because he didn’t like most of the things I do. Not some, ‘most’. Aren’t those the things which made him like you? Then why did he tell me to change/.I was foolish enough to change for him. While in the process of changing myself,  I didn’t feel happy. Not even a bit. I tried telling myself I was, but it was just a lie. I questioned myself why I am doing this, for whom? I didn’t say it’s for me. My hearts said it’s for me, it’s for him so he likes me. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t care if I was happy or not, because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. Why do we do this? I would suggest if you aren’t happy changing yourself, then never do it. I have changed after the break up. I’m happy with this change. It made me mature and look into life differently. I can’t express how happy I am. I thank my ex to make me who I am right now. I think everyone should have at least one bad relationship so that they understand what love is actually.

I have so much to say but I wouldn’t want to bore anyone. I know I’m right now. I just want to tell you, don’t hurt yourself. If you’re unhappy, then just leave. I know you don’t want to talk to me so I’m writing this. It would help someone else if not you.

So girl, or anyone else who is reading this, don’t be madly in love that you hurt yourself. I have done this a million times where I was hurt. But this relationship had made me a different person who is never going to be hurt again and will never let anyone hurt me. I’m glad it happened.

Uncategorized

Friendship goals they say

I’m so unfortunate to live in a generation where friendship is just for show and not a memento for a person to look at and say, ‘I have the most loveliest friend and I’m lucky to have them in my life’.

If we look at the scenario now, no one is really happy. You get new sets of friend having a dilemma that they stick to you, but then again you get another sets. It’s really hard to see two people who have been more than 14 years.

I have been inspired by the tale of ‘Krishna and Sudama’, their friendship is something to keep. Don’t you also crave a friendship like Jai and Veeru? How often do you actually see that now? I have seen a few, and I feel so happy to see something of that sort of.

I have always been a loyal friend. I have changed schools so often that it was hard for me to have proper friends. I still remember my friend from nursery. We tried to keep in touch till grade 3, but we were too small to use telephone and call up, and lost touch. She even called me for her sister’s birthday party when I called her up after maybe 2 years. It was too awkward for me to attend it, but I still went to bring back the old times. I think I need to look up her on facebook right away.

Left my old friends once I moved to a new school. I really liked the ambience of the new school. It was closer to home and come home early and watch Phineas and Ferb. Yeah, it was my favourite cartoon, okay? And also the fact landline to landline calls in SHarjah is free. So basically I lost touch with my friends from the school in Dubai for the inconvenience of not being able to call because calls outside Sharjah wasn’t free. And also my mom was against a child having an email of their own. She allowed me to use hers of course but you can’t discuss things with your friend openly cause you know how your parents like to invade your privacy neither you can use code words. Your parents are smarter than you when you’re just 10 years old! It was difficult. Trust me.

But as you know advanced the world is becoming, things started changing. Things weren’t the same anymore. Kids getting their private phone. Trust me, I begged for one too. And now I wished that I didn’t,. I wouldn’t be in a situation what I’m in one right now.

And then comes the stage of adolescence. Where you want to be known. Have your own identity. People begging for popularity, I was greedy for it too. I didn’t much had the brain to pick out the people who’d actually matter in life. So once I moved to Kolkata, only few stuck. I don’t know if it is  my luck or my deed to find a handful of them to care, to miss me. And they also happen to remember my birthday.  Isn’t that friendship? Someone with whom you talk once or  twice a year and still find time to wish you. And no, facebook didn’t remind them. They aren’t facebook or twitter sort of lover.

I still remember so many of the fake friends telling me that they’ll remember me or text me once in a while, but really, where is that now? It’s been 3 years.

A childhood friend of mine, 2 years senior and we still talk. We relate so much because we realize how much a person remembers you once you leave for good. They don’t bother at all if you’re okay or even dead. She is a frequent user of social media. I thought she was dead for almost a year because she did come online.I mean I was even wondering the possibilities of how she may have died. I neither could call her up because come on, who calls these days when you have a new best friend in town called the ‘Internet’, right? You can video call, you can voice call for free, you can send picture of you eating your dinner too.

My initial years in Kolkata was great, I found two amazing people and the best school. A real school. Though it was small, I was amazed by their behavior. I was stunned. Is this how people in India behave? But once I left that school, I really understood how people can be. Though it was only for 8 months, it had taught me a lot. I hope those people stay with me for every ups and downs.

Even now, I’m stupid for not being able to differentiate between the real and the fake. God, please help me. I have made the people who actually pray for my better feel pain. Gave my time to the ones who are least bothered. Silly me. Silly my deceived eye. I never want to lose them now and I’m scared what if things don’t work out after we are done with school completely?

My main motive is that you do so much for a person. You spend your time with them. You make time for them. You even devote literally everything for them. And lastly the result is awful. They leave you for the another person who will give them more pain. You realize friendship no longer has that power to heal someone. It’s so hard to find it now. Even I lack one now. I spent my breaks with a freak. I gave her company when I had other people who made me laugh. I put aside my greed and cared about the friendship rather. But when I needed the most, insulted she didn’t come.What a great friend though. Cheers.

I wonder who is going to stay and be my support when I need them. Thinking about it makes me bloat.

Love and others

Cuts and creases

She was scared, so she held his hand tightly as she could and pulled him much closer to reassure. Hugging him as though she didn’t want to let him go. Realised it was just a dream.. A dream which she thought would never turn into reality. It turned, turned and turned, turned into quarrels, quarrels to fights.
Now it’s finally over, done. Recklessness comes knocking on the door. She opens, comes barging into her life. All she sees is tears in her eyes in front of the same mirror in which she once saw her pretty face with smiles when he was in her life. Tries to wipe those tears, again comes another drop. She stands and wonders. Wonders if it’s permanent.
She tries to laugh, she tries to forget, she tries everything, but she meets the dead end. All she does is put a fake smile which looks real. Shivers for no reason. Thinking about the memories, jokes, and kisses she made with him. He says they don’t mean anything to him. Prays for him to come back. Her cries are not paid damn to.
She wants to be happy, but her happiness was him. He didn’t try to understand. Said his goodbyes. goodbye forever.
Caring was just namesake.

Screams, shouts, hits, cuts. Everything that would heal her broken wound. She needs someone to fix her right now. Still waiting for that finger which would wipe them dry.
Selfless she,now wants to move on.