Unabashed. Unashamed. Uncut.

Being a girl in this world, I fear of being attacked, groped, molested, rape and what not.
I don’t want to end up getting married because I don’t want to be beaten up by my husband or his family or let him torture my family for dowry. I don’t want to be someone’s slave. I don’t want to be bound by anyone without my will , being a human with all the rights to be happy, independent and majestic. I have the power to be everything, but I’ve been stopped; stopped to do what makes me happy, just because I am a woman, whose mouth is being shut because I am born with a vagina and a pair of breasts to satisfy every men’s needs and not mine.

I want to be free wearing whatever I want to. Not be called names by someone close neither whom I don’t know. I don’t want the aunties or anyone pointing a finger on the values my parents taught me with the size and the number of revealing holes my dress has.
I don’t want them to say I am a pretentious person because I don’t prefer my mother tongue nor be an overachiever because I can outshine the boys of my colony. Having so many qualities, why shall I not embrace it because some people bark?

I’m afraid someone is going to throw acid on my face or someone from the back trying to untie the thread to my salwar or grope me and I silently let it go once, twice, thrice? Maybe everytime, taking the advantage of a girl who cannot speak up for herself.

I don’t want to see someone’s penis without my consent. It is something I don’t want so please limit your shit till the washroom.

I want to walk on roads, travel places which I have never seen before which only boys can travel because they can take care of themselves. Why? Why can I not walk on streets without having the fear of being raped, catcalled, molested? Why am I so weak? Why do I even believe what people say? That I am weak. No, I am not. I’m more than that.

It doesn’t matter who I am, which family I belong to, what I wear, what values I have. I’m a girl and it will happen. To the boys too. Who can take care of themselves! Everyone can! Gender does not matter. God may have made the man and woman different, but we’re the same. Respect both, treat them equally.

I rather sit on a couch and watch television because that is where I feel safe and secure.
Being dark skinned means no marriage proposals to you. Nothing would suit you. Your skin color brings only shame and disgrace.
Why shouldn’t I fight for my rights? Because good behaved ladies should always keep quiet.
‎I don’t have to scream or curse myself for being such a distraction on the road, provoking people to point on my ethics or say I am fake because I wear too much make up or ugly when I don’t have anything on my face? What do I get when there are such problems.
‎it would just go away if I wasn’t even alive.
Why don’t I have a voice to fight for me? It was taken away the day you were born.
‎why size 36-28-36? Why there are no more options? Why can’t I look masculine. I’m not harming anybody. I’m just harming my freedom to be me. Why can’t I like a girl when I am a girl myself? Why can’t I be a girl when I am born a boy? Why is the world so heartless when I want to keep myself happy? These questions trigger me but I still fall on the ground.
The screams, the shout which never came out when your uncle or cousin take you to the bathroom or a closed bedroom only to to make you suck their lollipop. The more you say no the more deep it goes. To shut you up they give you chocolates. The next time, you want to say no, but you’re too weak to understand or tell your mother, your father what that uncle did to you. You’re just afraid that they won’t accept you even if you’re a girl of 4.
It hurts that even though you have a voice, you can’t speak up.

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Reality of Love

Love hurts…
The first time
The second time, the third, the fourth, the gazillion time..
But what is love?
Is it the feeling when you see them for the first time? The second? Or the third? Or each time you encounter unexpectedly?
Do you fall in love with each meeting? Each text? Each exchange of words? Each ‘I love you’s’ and ‘I hate you’s?
The sweet voice of theirs, screaming, shouting, crying makes you fall? The pain they give, makes you weaker or tells you to love them even more harder?
Each phone calls you get and make takes you to one more step into falling more into love?
But none of that is love.
Love is understanding, empathy, till death do us apart, the always by your side, the way of caring
Love is when the tiniest moments make you happy.
Not clicking pictures but making memories to store in your head so that when you close your eyes, you can see it, feel it and smile wide.
The flaws don’t decrease your love,it just increases.
The scars,the smile, the fragrance, the first red dress you wore for your first date or that watch she gave you the first time to tell you that her time with you is very special.
But all of that is of any worth? When you don’t understand how it’s important to take care of each other.
Why waste their time when you can’t give them all.even the tiniest bit?
You’ll only realize how much they did for you and how much you need them when they leave you.
Treat them right before it’s too late.
Don’t bring those tears if you don’t really mean them.
Don’t give those silly excuses if you can’t tell the truth and face them or talk eye to eye.
Don’t make promises which you can’t keep and making them hurt.
Don’t give false hope to people who love you. It just breaks them.
Don’t. Just don’t.

It’s not you; it’s him.

I’m a hopeless romantic. I always have been one. I thought of having a perfect love story like they show it in Bollywood movies even though I hate Bollywood movies but who can’t resist those romantic catchy dialogue which SRK says which woos the girl? I thought I had one. But I did not. Only lucky girls get that. I’m not lucky. Many of us aren’t. Some do get after being hurt so much and finally your faith has spoken.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I want to tell someone whom my ex is currently in a relationship that no matter how hard you try, it’s not going to work out. I’m sorry but it’s the way it is. I’ve been through it and you’re going through it too.

I’ve always thought of telling you this, but I wanted you to learn it on your own because I was never given a warning letter so I thought why I should? But I had a soft corner, I so wanted to tell you this. I so wanted to help you. I asked so many people this question. They said no. the situation may be like as if I wanted to mess your relationship because it never worked out between me and him. So I thought it would be better if you figured it out yourself. You can think of me as a bitch or whatever, but I’m not.

I’m a girl, I know how things go between two girls when they like the same guy. But now, I want you to learn things.
He isn’t going to call you! You will have to. He isn’t going to wait for you, you’re going to wait for him. That’s what I did. I wondered if I was the only one in relationship. He never cared if I waited for him. He promised me he would call. I kept waiting for his call. I called him after I lost my patience. He gave me the excuse of him forgetting or caught up with work. Yeah right, as if I didn’t have work of my own right? But I still called; kept forgiving him. I kept waiting for him when he was always late. I don’t like waiting for people. But I still waited. I was stubborn, but I kept it aside just for him. Why? Just because I loved him and never wanted to lose him. I never did.
You know which relationship lasts longer? When efforts are from both ends.

The one who gives a 100% think that they aren’t even giving 10%. But it’s not like what you think. You had given your best; it’s just that they never appreciated your efforts that made you feel like you had never even tried. Never even have that thought. I had given my 100% even after we were not together.
I was so broken, so hurt, so weak during the 4 months with him. I thought I was strong and independent girl. People loved me because I was crazy and different. But now what?
When we were mere friends and I acted crazy, he would be cool with it, but after getting to be together, he couldn’t tolerate it.
He told me to stop. Stop what? Being myself? That’s what people loved about me, and he did too. That’s what he said in the beginning. So did he really wanted me or did he want someone who would listen to him?

After the break up, I still wanted him. I tried changing myself by telling that I wanted to it for me, for my own good. But it wasn’t, it was for him! He didn’t stop pointing out my flaws. I thought I wasn’t good enough, I couldn’t take it. I kept hurting myself. I have a scar. I still look at it now. It reminds me not to change. It reminds me to love myself. It’s the most valuable thing to love yourself.

I feel stupid for being with him. I had to change myself because he didn’t like most of the things I do. Not some, ‘most’. Aren’t those the things which made him like you? Then why did he tell me to change/.I was foolish enough to change for him. While in the process of changing myself,  I didn’t feel happy. Not even a bit. I tried telling myself I was, but it was just a lie. I questioned myself why I am doing this, for whom? I didn’t say it’s for me. My hearts said it’s for me, it’s for him so he likes me. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t care if I was happy or not, because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. Why do we do this? I would suggest if you aren’t happy changing yourself, then never do it. I have changed after the break up. I’m happy with this change. It made me mature and look into life differently. I can’t express how happy I am. I thank my ex to make me who I am right now. I think everyone should have at least one bad relationship so that they understand what love is actually.

I have so much to say but I wouldn’t want to bore anyone. I know I’m right now. I just want to tell you, don’t hurt yourself. If you’re unhappy, then just leave. I know you don’t want to talk to me so I’m writing this. It would help someone else if not you.

So girl, or anyone else who is reading this, don’t be madly in love that you hurt yourself. I have done this a million times where I was hurt. But this relationship had made me a different person who is never going to be hurt again and will never let anyone hurt me. I’m glad it happened.

Friendship goals they say

I’m so unfortunate to live in a generation where friendship is just for show and not a memento for a person to look at and say, ‘I have the most loveliest friend and I’m lucky to have them in my life’.

If we look at the scenario now, no one is really happy. You get new sets of friend having a dilemma that they stick to you, but then again you get another sets. It’s really hard to see two people who have been more than 14 years.

I have been inspired by the tale of ‘Krishna and Sudama’, their friendship is something to keep. Don’t you also crave a friendship like Jai and Veeru? How often do you actually see that now? I have seen a few, and I feel so happy to see something of that sort of.

I have always been a loyal friend. I have changed schools so often that it was hard for me to have proper friends. I still remember my friend from nursery. We tried to keep in touch till grade 3, but we were too small to use telephone and call up, and lost touch. She even called me for her sister’s birthday party when I called her up after maybe 2 years. It was too awkward for me to attend it, but I still went to bring back the old times. I think I need to look up her on facebook right away.

Left my old friends once I moved to a new school. I really liked the ambience of the new school. It was closer to home and come home early and watch Phineas and Ferb. Yeah, it was my favourite cartoon, okay? And also the fact landline to landline calls in SHarjah is free. So basically I lost touch with my friends from the school in Dubai for the inconvenience of not being able to call because calls outside Sharjah wasn’t free. And also my mom was against a child having an email of their own. She allowed me to use hers of course but you can’t discuss things with your friend openly cause you know how your parents like to invade your privacy neither you can use code words. Your parents are smarter than you when you’re just 10 years old! It was difficult. Trust me.

But as you know advanced the world is becoming, things started changing. Things weren’t the same anymore. Kids getting their private phone. Trust me, I begged for one too. And now I wished that I didn’t,. I wouldn’t be in a situation what I’m in one right now.

And then comes the stage of adolescence. Where you want to be known. Have your own identity. People begging for popularity, I was greedy for it too. I didn’t much had the brain to pick out the people who’d actually matter in life. So once I moved to Kolkata, only few stuck. I don’t know if it is  my luck or my deed to find a handful of them to care, to miss me. And they also happen to remember my birthday.  Isn’t that friendship? Someone with whom you talk once or  twice a year and still find time to wish you. And no, facebook didn’t remind them. They aren’t facebook or twitter sort of lover.

I still remember so many of the fake friends telling me that they’ll remember me or text me once in a while, but really, where is that now? It’s been 3 years.

A childhood friend of mine, 2 years senior and we still talk. We relate so much because we realize how much a person remembers you once you leave for good. They don’t bother at all if you’re okay or even dead. She is a frequent user of social media. I thought she was dead for almost a year because she did come online.I mean I was even wondering the possibilities of how she may have died. I neither could call her up because come on, who calls these days when you have a new best friend in town called the ‘Internet’, right? You can video call, you can voice call for free, you can send picture of you eating your dinner too.

My initial years in Kolkata was great, I found two amazing people and the best school. A real school. Though it was small, I was amazed by their behavior. I was stunned. Is this how people in India behave? But once I left that school, I really understood how people can be. Though it was only for 8 months, it had taught me a lot. I hope those people stay with me for every ups and downs.

Even now, I’m stupid for not being able to differentiate between the real and the fake. God, please help me. I have made the people who actually pray for my better feel pain. Gave my time to the ones who are least bothered. Silly me. Silly my deceived eye. I never want to lose them now and I’m scared what if things don’t work out after we are done with school completely?

My main motive is that you do so much for a person. You spend your time with them. You make time for them. You even devote literally everything for them. And lastly the result is awful. They leave you for the another person who will give them more pain. You realize friendship no longer has that power to heal someone. It’s so hard to find it now. Even I lack one now. I spent my breaks with a freak. I gave her company when I had other people who made me laugh. I put aside my greed and cared about the friendship rather. But when I needed the most, insulted she didn’t come.What a great friend though. Cheers.

I wonder who is going to stay and be my support when I need them. Thinking about it makes me bloat.

Cuts and creases

She was scared, so she held his hand tightly as she could and pulled him much closer to reassure. Hugging him as though she didn’t want to let him go. Realised it was just a dream.. A dream which she thought would never turn into reality. It turned, turned and turned, turned into quarrels, quarrels to fights.
Now it’s finally over, done. Recklessness comes knocking on the door. She opens, comes barging into her life. All she sees is tears in her eyes in front of the same mirror in which she once saw her pretty face with smiles when he was in her life. Tries to wipe those tears, again comes another drop. She stands and wonders. Wonders if it’s permanent.
She tries to laugh, she tries to forget, she tries everything, but she meets the dead end. All she does is put a fake smile which looks real. Shivers for no reason. Thinking about the memories, jokes, and kisses she made with him. He says they don’t mean anything to him. Prays for him to come back. Her cries are not paid damn to.
She wants to be happy, but her happiness was him. He didn’t try to understand. Said his goodbyes. goodbye forever.
Caring was just namesake.

Screams, shouts, hits, cuts. Everything that would heal her broken wound. She needs someone to fix her right now. Still waiting for that finger which would wipe them dry.
Selfless she,now wants to move on.

Love and Arrow

Sometimes, there is this point in life where you just want to give up because when you fall in love and the other person can’t accept your love back. It hurts day by day to see their face after they hurt you. Actually, it isn’t their fault that we fell in love with them. We don’t ask them not to fall for us, but just talk to us, be with us forever, not as a life partner, but as a friend. But we can’t accept that either, because we want them so much, like so much that they are what we lust for each and everyday. We really can’t get what we want in life, everything’s not meant for everyone. Don’t do things that these make you do. Just live your life the way you want to, though the thing which you really want is not actually with you. But do believe sometimes, it helps overcome deep thoughts.

Hi, the above paragraph, everyone has been through that. I have, you have, you neighbors, your friends, your cats, dogs, everyone in this god damn world has. Like this is the plot to another love story, for the INDIAN FILM INDUSTRY! Hehe.. heuheu.. Keeping jokes apart… Fine, this isn’t about me, though I have been in this like twice. People come and go, time ages, but it still seems to exist. Time is immortal. LOL. This reminds me of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 55, I guess?

Point, point. Assume Person A, loves Person B, but they do not love them back, it hurts. Yes, I know. You ignore them because you just want to erase them completely, don’t want to sink into their thoughts and die. But this is impossible, day and night you think about them.You, drift into other thoughts, letting them go away. The lowest point is when they come to you out of nowhere, everything seems to fall apart. And to top it off, they ignore you. Yes, Hurts again. I have done the same, I do not mean to hurt, but love just doesn’t happen by force. And someone has done it back to me.

Nobody ever understands how much we go through even if you let out your feelings. We tend to commit suicide for just ONE person, who doesn’t even bother. We hurt others who do care and love. Wants us to be happy, but we, like a fool run behind someone who is just going to ruin our life even more. Crying over and over again, dying in pain with their memories hurt even more, trying to forget everything about them is even harder.

How can we ever forget them? The answer is we can’t, cause forgetting is something which a human brain does not do. Memories, learnings, teachings is everything in some corner of brain, it comes when it comes back into our lives.  Best to avoid such situation and say that you can live your life by yourself and get happiness with the things you have and not what you want cause at the end you always never succeed in getting them.

When friends get into a relationship?

So lately I’m in depression. Well, it sucks when people get into a depression. It’s either the girl’s menstrual cycle or a break or even maybe if all of a sudden your favourite dress or a pair of wedges got torn or broken. For me, it’s the third reason. I am totally a shopaholic. And for guys? I’m not sure, because I’m really not a guy  to know that for sure.

So who cares if I’m Single? Yeah, I’m whining for not having a boyfriend, well, maybe it is because it sucks when all of your friends are in a relationship or will get into one SOON.
Being single is better than getting mingled. I’m trying to not whine about being single, but I too need romance in my freaking boring life to spice it up a little, don’t I?

So initially, I was supposed to start talking about how friends start ignoring you after getting into a relationship. So I generally advice my friends not to get into a relationship because it would most probably bring complications in both of our lives by a) She’ll start ignoring, or either b) she’ll keep telling me about her boyfriend and her love life and I would be go like to her, ‘Oh, congrats, I’m so happy for you, last long, seems like you got your future husband’ , but actually I behave like this after knowing about how their life is so called ‘perfect’. I take my phone with me somewhere quiet and dark, take  1 litre of bottle filled with water  and drink as if it’s  beer, well, I have to drink something? And since I’m underage and not allowed to drink something which contains any type of ‘alcohol’, I pretend that the water is my ‘Sadness erasing weapon’, and of course, play backstreet boys’, ‘Show me the meaning of being lonely?’ to give it a touch. And I’m writing this just to work on my writing skills, boards in just a week, so need to practice and math is really sucking the life out of my boobs.
 
So, my dear girlfriends understand my pain of being lonely and single, will you? Shower me the blessings of being someone, no, not a girl, I need a freaking boy, I’m bored of girl love. I’m freaking not loved by an opposite gender! So PUH-LEASE, do me a favour and stop getting hyped up whenever I ask you :- Dude, how is your love life?
Just answer, ‘I’m happy’, it hurts less for me. Yeah, I’m being a bit of a bitch and selfish, but HELLO, nobody likes me, can’t help me being ugly.

And, and the main reason I don’t like when my friends get into relationships is that THEY TAKE THEIR BOYFRIEND’S SIDE IF HIM AND I GET INTO A FREAKING ARGUMENT. Well, my fault for cracking a lameass joke, but come one, it’s a JOKE you guys, don’t have to get angry, you know? Hey, but you must say I am funny (self praising time). Yeah man, I’m so funny that I make people laugh out loud rolling on the floor (Okay, done now).
This shows how much a friend cares about their friendship  which was more than years who has always been there for you in every path, every argument, every sadness, every happiness. But when you end up in a love relationship, a person who is been just few days of your life… okay, too emotional, I don’t like emotional stuffs, come, lets laugh, HAHAHEHEHEHUEHUE! I swear, how I’m put to all these years when friends ditch you for their boy friend. I am so not going to be like them, not at all. I’ll always consider my friends my first priority.
But I must say, there are people who balance both their love life and friendship in a manner where they don’t create complications and one of that people is a friend who has been there with for for over 4 years. As I mentioned earlier, I crack my lameass jokes which  hurt people indirectly, I crack jokes with her boyfriend too, he understand as he gets my jokes and I actually don’t mean to hurt anyone in anyway. So I consider him one of the best boyfriends any of my friends got. Usually, MOST of my friend are like that, but it’s just that she is different, she can differentiate what is a friend and what is a boyfriend. She is a sweetheart and well, her boyfriend is a fuckface to be honest.

So I can end it off with that maybe, it doesn’t depend if you are in a relationship or not, it just depends on how the person is and how he or she’ll take the situation in her hand. But some people give love more importance, bleh, I don’t know what to say or do about them. They be a bitch, I’ll just be a bitch back. I can’t really help it. I actually felt happy that these two people so understanding towards me., they actually make me feel special to have them together as one.

Oh, and the surprise is…. HAPPY BELATED 2nd MONTHIE! Yes, BELATED I said and I know I’m an asshole, so fuck off you Gaylord boyfriend of my friend.